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My world is in a constant cycle of death, or at least they have been for the past couple of weeks. My fiances father passes a couple of weeks ago. It was horrible, as if he hasnapos;t been though enough with losing his mother and brother 7 years ago, now to lose his father too. And the sad thing is, I think I was closer to that weird old man then he was, which I know is effecting him. Its so weird, Andrew (my son) and I used to stop by there three times a week on our way home from me picking him up from daycare, just for a few minutes so Gary could see his grandchild. But how do you tell a 2 1/2 year old his grandpa is never coming back. But now, every time we pass that building, my son goes crazy begging and screaming to see his grandpa, after all, to him its just normal. I just donapos;t know how to take this. I donapos;t know how to help Patrick when I can barely hold myself together. And I know thats not how this is supposed to work Iapos;m supposed to be strong for him, after all it was his father. I can accept that I havnapos;t been the perfect girlfriend up until this point, but this? This is unforgivable and I hate it. Now I have him worried over me, which is not right, but there is a little more to the story as to why heapos;s worring. Two days before Gary passed, I foudn out I was pregnate. And Patrick was so excited, I was still having my doughts, but for those of you who know me, that is 100 normal. I donapos;t accept anything full on untill it happens, I donapos;t get attached to any idea or new hope because Iapos;m too busy planning for the worst case. Patricks always telling my that�i canapos;t live my life that way, that I canapos;t go around expecting the worst to happen all the time, because then it will. But why the hell not? I will always be prepaired to handle anything if I am, right? Anyways I guess we were both getting attached to the idea of another little one running around, after all Andrew has turned out to be everything for us. Patrick had decided he wanted a little girl, and he was picking out names, and chasing me around the house with milk to make sure I was being as healthy as possible. Yesterday at like 4 in the morning I miscarried. I was 5 1/2 weeks. This is driving us both nuts, the doctors are saying its due to stress of everything weapos;ve been though the last few weeks, I think its because God is a mean bastard who enjoys dangling things infrount of people who really need a little hope in there lives, then taking them away. Heapos;s like a sadistic three year old who didnapos;t get his own way. The worst part is that Patrick is so worried about me, that getting out of my chair has him freaking out, making me sit and running for me. I HATE�THAT. I feel so damn useless, as nice as it sounds to have someone bend for your everyneed, it isnapos;t. Honestly its making me feel more guilty, like I should be doing more for him. Heapos;s taking this miscarriage worse then I am. I know its mixed in with his father, Iapos;m something he can have control over, and not in a mean way. He couldnapos;t control his fathers drinking problems when he was alive, he couldnapos;t control his fathers early passing, he couldnapos;t control the miscarriage, but he can control how Iapos;m feeling right now. I get it, I just really hate having someone bend over backwards for me. But the little freak out and worried face he displays when i attempt to go agenst his orders of sit down and relax is enough to make anyone hide in a corner.

On top of all of this, My mother and sister are refusing to speak to me because I wouldnapos;t let my sister come down for a shopping trip just after Gary passed when we were planning a funeral and so many other things that surround a persons death, besides both Patrick and his brother hate my sister, why, when their father just passed should I put then in a position where I might have to ask them to be pleasent to a girl whjo has done nothing but hurt and steal from both of them. Why when there is so much else going on? My family is saying that Iapos;m being rude and a bitch because Iapos;m apos;turning my back on my family"... How is that even possible? I donapos;t get stupid people, they make no sence.

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So Iapos;ve been back at Keuka since wednesday. Break wasnapos;t too bad even though all mom and I did was fight. My car finally got fixed so I was ale to drive it out here and for the past two nights Iapos;ve been driving Sean/Trixie to her performances. Drag shows two nights in a row On the first night I got to go into the dressing room and watch Sean be transformed into Trixie. It was amazing. Yes, Iapos;m obsessed with the drag world. A lot of my friend from home find my life right now to be really weird, but I love it. It gives me something to do and Iapos;ve actually got to know more people from Keuka since I started going to a lot of�shows. I always need someone to go with me so Iapos;m not alone in the club while Trixieapos;s primping and perform and since I drive to the shows I have random people that ride with me and hang out. Itapos;s very awesome.

I had my meeting with Marti and some other lady while I was home. It went very well and now Iapos;m scheduled to meet with Marti and Bobby from the shelter when I go home in November.

I woke up this morning with a horrible cold and hardly no voice. So I�went to class and then came back here and slept all day. I feel�and sound�some what better, but�I�think Iapos;m�gunna�take another�cold�pill and go back to bed. I gotta get up in�the morning to go get more eye make-up remover before I have to�meet Sean for GSU�tomorrow. I gave my eye make-up�remover to Trixie last night so that I didnapos;t have to listen to Sean bitch about how hard it is to get off anymore. God, for someone thatapos;s been doing drag for 9 months you would think he would have already discovered the wonders of make-up remover.

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amzing so

Amanda writes,



Sep 24, 2008 12:00 PM

WTF happened to you?

Saw you at St. Thomas. Pal, you need to cut your hair, shave and lose some weight.�Wow�

unfortunately i am not her friend on myspace otherwise i would have written her back. �i cried a bit that day.

this morning i wake up in japan to yet another installment of amanda loves me,



Oct 17, 2008 11:15 AM
�

You were HOT and now you are NOT. You look way too old for your age. Again, saw you at U of M. What the f--- is with the hat? Yikes. Justin..........

Your young college age girlies will even lose interest at the rate you are going. You used to have an image/look. Now you look old and icky...............

Music still sounds good :)�
�

i think she likes me. �anyway... �day 2. �bill murray is still in full effect. �i watched the traffic(human and otherwise) last night through the 16th floor window of my hotel room. �tossed and turned. �got an amazing email from lee with lots of info and phone numbers. �now i can call every member of the oreskaband. �jealous? �i thought so. �gonna eat some japanese breakfast and exercise: day 1. �beth, this mineral water is cheers-ing for you. �i figured out how to get the video camera working, user error of course. �iapos;ll post some youtube shit out there and whatnot. �here it goes. �i hope you enjoy.

-justin.



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Eric found out when he has off. Weapos;re aiming for me leaving Thursday and heapos;ll get me Friday morning. Otherwise, iapos;ll leave the Tuesday after that. Iapos;m excited, as per usual :o.
I still need to shop for orange shoelaces and some form of preggerapos;s belly. He can chop off some of my hair so itapos;ll be a better Juno length lol.

Things are good
My body is feeling tired of being out of use though. I have little aches from not being active and i donapos;t like it- my body doesnapos;t like it. It needs to be mended
My body needs to be mended in general too. Weapos;ve been eating horribly in my house. Iapos;ve been not caring what i eat outside of my house. That coupled with being inactive is definitely not helping anyoneapos;s case. Horrible. Iapos;m tired of being a fat-ass lol. Itapos;s no fun.

Well iapos;m going to go take a shower and grab some food with Beckster.
Later kids

I love you, Eric

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.....Maybe it was that nothing seemed to happen, except that the same thing happening�over and over again.

Great,�I now have a book as a apos;someone who doesnt talk, but can still bring you deep into their storyapos; campion(sp?) I am in 3/4 "deep" already. Finishing soon, and i have to pack my feelings and get another new book from school library. -i swear that was the first time i am borrowing books from PHS school library.. Hahaha, under my name,ezlink. The book is great. Homecoming, not a scary book. Although it looks like some kind of ghost story on the cover page. Hahaha. Itapos;s a book about, "okay, i know you arenapos;t interested, go on to the next paragraph then" a young girl about our age, 13- to be precise. Her mother left her siblings and her on the car and went off. They were told by their mother(which they called her momma) to go to aunt ciliaapos;s house. Because her mother can no longer takecare of them. Her mother lost her job and thought that the children could go and stay over at her aunt ciliaapos;s house, for help. However, the journey to Aunt cilia was not a good one. Their car broke down and they have no choice but to walk on their legs to get to aunt ciliaapos;s place - Bridgeport. They walked for three weeks and then met two kind hearted young guys. One of them drove the children to bridgeport. They finally arrived and realised that aunt cilia had died and came to know that they have a cousin called eunice. The road to aunt cilia was tough and tiring, now they are going to another place on their own, to find Ganny Abigail... Hawhaw, i havent finish reading.. Fill you up when i am done.. O, later then they found out that�their momma went crazy. Very sad.

Ohwell, ohwell. Kinda sad today. Disappointed�over why the same thing happened over and over again. And i saw from the book that says, " nobody could be home,really, until he was in his grave..."

Because, " nobody could rest, really, until then". This really make me want to burst into tears. I thought that was touching.. So, no one could be home until they die. Thats when they can really rest and stay there FOREVER. (:

My result were kind of great. Hahaha, but i wouldnt say so for the criteria needed for skipping the Napos;s. I hope i can... *cross my fingers and prayed hard

I feel like screaming now, at someone. No, not�screaming, i guess. Scolding. I see no one in this world that is trustable and whom put their heart into yours,taking you seriously. -i want a human being, living now, friends. Not God. Of cuz i know Heapos;s great. In this world, thereapos;s only Me, myself and I. Everybody is the same. They only care about themselves and doesnt give a damn about how others feel and take other words seriously. How shit�
Can i ask a question?
Why would people have to cry everyday over a friendship that the other party doesnt really give a *insert something meaningless* to?

I know�i am somehow a weird person. I wanted it, and i got it, but now, i dont�want it. Cuz i felt like, you know, the feeling when you are holding on to something but�it ended up you are "holding" air.�So much ,yet, nothing. I am someone who wanted a bestfriend not everyone would ask for, maybe more. But�somehow, no one�has ever succeed in being my one.�I have no way,�any idea am i�one�to you guys -maybe you�can reply.�

I am feeling happy now. Cuz my clothes has arrived from taiwan. Glad to hear from chel.xi itapos;s here, HERE. Not Oos but here. Itapos;s gonna be Mine and med -we each bought one. On next thursday, 2.30pm. Hahahhahahahahahahahahaha, give me a hi-five, no, hi-ten :D

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We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry chris- seriously, of all the things I could have stuck in my head. Anyway, Thursday block was actually less horrible than usual. In world civ we just watched the LoF, which was really boring but not awful. Drawing and painting was just hilariously lame... Ms. Rowald decided we were going to do "figure drawing," in other words having classmates fail to strike poses (one of them wouldnapos;t stop talking and the other liked to swing his arms) and drawing them with compressed charcoal. Yes, just compressed. No, thatapos;s not insane at all. Perfectly normal.
After school Colette, Erin, Debbie and I walked to Holmes to say hello to old teachers. Ms. Laflamme and Ms. Bryant- who I hadnapos;t talked to since the eighth grade- seemed very happy to see us. Ms. Bryant says I had changed the most since the eighth grade, that I was "such a woman now" and that if she "passed me on the street, she would do a double take." Iapos;m not sure what to make of this or whether or not itapos;s a compliment, but okay.
Then Colette and I did our vocab sentences and and tried but failed to research for our english project and and and had epically long conversations that caused these simple homework assignments to take absurd amounts of time.
A fascinating entry, I must say. Buhhh Iapos;m really tired, shut up, this is my incredibly justified... Uh justification.

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All my life I have had to rely on apos;out thinkingapos; any opponents, using strategy and tactics rather than brute force. Why? Take a look at me. I am short, out of shape and over-weight. In a fight if I went toe to toe, I would get my ass whipped.

But physical fights arenapos;t the only place I rely on my intelligence. I use it in all aspects of life.

I try to stay a few steps ahead of everyone else. It keeps them off balance in some cases. We go back to apos;The Dance with Deathapos; where it reads: apos;cut from the void, not bewilderment.apos;Stay a step ahead, catch them off guard and you have an advantage.

This isnapos;t just a physical tactic, but it can be psychological. Stay ahead of the person and you control how things play out. You can sieze the mind, nudge it to where you want to take it. You can use it to keep a person off guard, have them looking the wrong way, then come from another direction.

Do it right and you own the mind. Once you are in their mind they are yours.

At that point, you can bring euphoria or pain to the person. Once you are there it allows control of ones emotions. They think what you want them too. They feel what you want them too.

The other path for me is to get control directly of ones emotions. Know what inspires what feelings, then use that knowledge to bring about what you want. This is usually long term. You need to watch and listen. Take in everything, every visual cue, every inflection in the voice.

Emotions and thought patterns are so powerful.You can gain total control of a person with these two things, bend them anyway you want. You can elevate them, enrinch them, or you can destroy them. It can be very dangerous at times. It can bring a lot of pain and harm. Or it can bring about euphoria. Usually it is intent that decides which it is, but carelessness and lack of understanding are key factors too.

Lead the dance, donapos;t let it lead you.
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