My world is in a constant cycle of death, or at least they have been for the past couple of weeks. My fiances father passes a couple of weeks ago. It was horrible, as if he hasnapos;t been though enough with losing his mother and brother 7 years ago, now to lose his father too. And the sad thing is, I think I was closer to that weird old man then he was, which I know is effecting him. Its so weird, Andrew (my son) and I used to stop by there three times a week on our way home from me picking him up from daycare, just for a few minutes so Gary could see his grandchild. But how do you tell a 2 1/2 year old his grandpa is never coming back. But now, every time we pass that building, my son goes crazy begging and screaming to see his grandpa, after all, to him its just normal. I just donapos;t know how to take this. I donapos;t know how to help Patrick when I can barely hold myself together. And I know thats not how this is supposed to work Iapos;m supposed to be strong for him, after all it was his father. I can accept that I havnapos;t been the perfect girlfriend up until this point, but this? This is unforgivable and I hate it. Now I have him worried over me, which is not right, but there is a little more to the story as to why heapos;s worring. Two days before Gary passed, I foudn out I was pregnate. And Patrick was so excited, I was still having my doughts, but for those of you who know me, that is 100 normal. I donapos;t accept anything full on untill it happens, I donapos;t get attached to any idea or new hope because Iapos;m too busy planning for the worst case. Patricks always telling my that�i canapos;t live my life that way, that I canapos;t go around expecting the worst to happen all the time, because then it will. But why the hell not? I will always be prepaired to handle anything if I am, right? Anyways I guess we were both getting attached to the idea of another little one running around, after all Andrew has turned out to be everything for us. Patrick had decided he wanted a little girl, and he was picking out names, and chasing me around the house with milk to make sure I was being as healthy as possible. Yesterday at like 4 in the morning I miscarried. I was 5 1/2 weeks. This is driving us both nuts, the doctors are saying its due to stress of everything weapos;ve been though the last few weeks, I think its because God is a mean bastard who enjoys dangling things infrount of people who really need a little hope in there lives, then taking them away. Heapos;s like a sadistic three year old who didnapos;t get his own way. The worst part is that Patrick is so worried about me, that getting out of my chair has him freaking out, making me sit and running for me. I HATE�THAT. I feel so damn useless, as nice as it sounds to have someone bend for your everyneed, it isnapos;t. Honestly its making me feel more guilty, like I should be doing more for him. Heapos;s taking this miscarriage worse then I am. I know its mixed in with his father, Iapos;m something he can have control over, and not in a mean way. He couldnapos;t control his fathers drinking problems when he was alive, he couldnapos;t control his fathers early passing, he couldnapos;t control the miscarriage, but he can control how Iapos;m feeling right now. I get it, I just really hate having someone bend over backwards for me. But the little freak out and worried face he displays when i attempt to go agenst his orders of sit down and relax is enough to make anyone hide in a corner.
On top of all of this, My mother and sister are refusing to speak to me because I wouldnapos;t let my sister come down for a shopping trip just after Gary passed when we were planning a funeral and so many other things that surround a persons death, besides both Patrick and his brother hate my sister, why, when their father just passed should I put then in a position where I might have to ask them to be pleasent to a girl whjo has done nothing but hurt and steal from both of them. Why when there is so much else going on? My family is saying that Iapos;m being rude and a bitch because Iapos;m apos;turning my back on my family"... How is that even possible? I donapos;t get stupid people, they make no sence.
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